i wanted you,
i needed you

everytime i walk that path,

everytime i look over there.

i wish for you,
i breathe for you

in every direction i move,
in all the thoughts i bring in

time can only help those that are strong
when can the time come to cross into prosperity

-------------------------------------------------

help me get to where i want to be
help guide me to where i ought to be

the seeds haven't flowered,
the water has dried all up

walking into a house of cards

to topple down with just one shove

all strength is left in the bark not the bite
a bite only given when tossed a bone not earned

when can i leave the leash my mind encircled
when can i realize that there is more to what i see and think

----------------------------------------------------------

rose pedals dropped on the floor

a scene of beauty and death

the life of the flower is drained
yet what remains is spread to admire

sometimes roses grow bright red,
with thorns lengthened to the sky

it's not bad to let the thorns grow,
so as the flower blossoms in return

time may let thorns grow long,
while the admiration for the flower withers

all that time focusing on the bud,
only to end up pruning it and letting it die

----------------------------------------------------------------------

i don't want to get bitter and old,
but i'm holding back on pursuing the things i dreamed for all these years.

either i go forward some more to fulfill those yearnings,
or i let my heart die as bitter as an inert onion sprouting on the table

---------------------------

additional edit:

i see you,
you can't see me

neither off the street
nor through a window

your voice so perfect,

words like a rhythmical doll

my adoration spurns,
a stomachache of my favorite candy

i hear you,

you can't speak to me

we live off different means,
my world is only full of dreams

what you have given up to be you
what i haven't given up to end up wishing for your life

-------------------------------------------------------------

oh kpop idols and their hair damaging coloring, straightening, styling; and their expensive laser skin treatments, teeth corrections, and stuff

I HOPE THE PIPES WILL WARM THE HELL UP. I flushed my pe and it got clogged. WTF.

I used a tabo-looking thing that my landlord left to scoop it to the floor drain and rain hot water down the drain and to the toilet. I flushed again and it overflowed again!!! 

Then, I scooped again and left it alone. Then...
  
 AGAIN, my neighbor upstairs flushed their toilet and my toilet overflowed! FAWKING.

I just couldn't take it anymore and went grocery shopping like I was supposed to. 
I came home and it overflowed a lil more again -_-;; 
I checked the floor drain and the laundry room drains and they're not leaking any backflow.

Weirdly/luckily, my floor heating went all the way to my kitchen. (I didn't know it could do that! lol..)
I hope it somehow heats up my bathroom. I'ma try to flush it one time later in a couple of hours, after I go eat out with people. Cuz I'm totally not running the floor heating all night. My bill from 4 days of running that before going to the states was like 76k. -____-'' (70 bucks). 

I'M SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FED UP WITH THIS SHIT. FAWK THE COLD. At least in the summer, my toilet doesn't freeze! This is the disadvantage of having a room with a bathroom & window facing out against one of the apartment walls. I wish my bathroom was inside now. fawking. I won't mind the nasty drain smell. 

I just want all my cake! Can't I have a functional apartment with the right amount of space?! I swear, there's a million trade offs. One teacher's apartment in the next building has sucky hot water-heating. Another teacher in the same building as me has sucky floor heating.

WTF MENG. GHETTO SHIT THAT LOOKS NICE.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Anyway, I'm proud, I didn't buy bad snacks when I went to the grocery store and didn't buy unneeded meat. I still have veggies & chicken in the freezer. The snacks I got were dried banana chips and a bag of almonds. Then, I got some stuff to make kimchi fried rice but I don't have the kimchi..lol.

After, I went to Daiso to get stationary. I got one portable all-in-one planner, a weekly calendar, a monthly calendar, a notebook for my online classes that I haven't even signed up for, a notebook for my Korean, and a panda pen to keep me company. I've been wanting to try getting away from digital stuff/the internet. I already put some Korean lessons & pdfs on my tablet so i don't need to go on the internet and get distracted. One other thing I haven't tried is getting a lounge chair or a beanbag, rather than plopping on my bed. I can't believe I was "too cheap" to get one, despite the fact that I eat out a lot and buy a bunch of food to cook at home. I have enough food -_-;; Maybe if I ate less and spent time thinking about studying Korean instead of escaping to food and the internet.

I have shopping problems and a.. "I need to get out of the house, so I'll go window shopping to see if I need anything but really will come back with stuff I probably don't need" problem. This time, I wanna shift my weekly shopping to stationary. LOL. One notebook for Korean, and one for online classes. And one pen/pencil. This is like $3~5 per week rather than online shopping for clothes or roaming around second hand stores.

I'm tired of bargain shopping. I want to be in the income bracket where I can buy something if I need it and not worry too much about the price, rather than wasting time bargain hunting and stuff. If I make a list of clothes and outfits, then I can have a routine spending budget. I wanna look presentable (especially in this country) so I can enhance my opportunities. It's not about having enough money for food anymore. I want to go up the social ladder and do things & experience things & people.

I used to buy hella bulk food and not use it. Sometimes, I even avoid getting water at the convenience store cuz I can get it at home or I would buy an inconvenient 2L bottle. I hope to change some habits. 

Even if I could get a 2L bottle, I can just spend more on convenience. I can do that, instead of buying a hamburger.. I can buy a bottle of water which is only like 60 cents .. to tide me till I get home. Instead of buying that ice cream too. I'm just tired of my cravings and money drain.

One other thing I hate about myself. I that, if I can't do it perfectly, I won't do it. Like for instance, I missed my Monday workout yesterday cuz I was out and about. I still did like 20 pushups and some crunches, but I missed my Insanity workout. I debated on doing 2 workouts today, but I haven't even started one. It's kinda like that routine assignment that you didn't turn in. I can just finish the one due now and see if I can make that one up or not. And instead of feeling guilty if I can or can not make that up, it's best to just move on.
____________________________________

I'll remember this toilet incident as the turning point. I'm tired of my own excuses. It also sucks that I can't be lazy anymore but I want that part of my life behind me. Now I have to look all nice and take care of my body and stuff . I just wanna meet awesome people and enjoy life. 

Oh the little sacrifices

to dos i still haven't done

admin
-buy a physical planner
-sign up for classes
-send in stuff for class evaluations

-fafsa
-change bank account to credit union

-sign up for topik 5 test

-fill out form to request residency certificate
-budget

work

-summer camp lesson topics, plans & activities
-basic outline for 3 month lesson plans

hobby

-write out  a script for a Youtube video

-make a separate account

house
-update digital stuff
-mop
-cook chicken & store / throw food

personal
-postcards & letters
-making an actual address & phone book
-uploading & updating pix on Facebook
-couchsurfing

it's cold, i don't want to do anything --> if i don't do anything, I'll be slacking and won't have a spacey apartment to be cold in anymore!

studying is too hard, there's so much crap to read & memorize --> things snowball, just start with one word, get an overview of what i gotta do, and spread things out.

facebook is calling! ---> if you could count all the times u logged in today, that would be a bunch of vietnamese sandwiches.

March: (to be determined).. might look like rotating..
1st week: advanced vocab
2nd week: advanced grammer points
3rd week: advanced vocab / idioms
4th week: advanced grammer points

April:
1st week: reading practice
2nd week: listening practice
3rd week: writing practice

...gotta figure time constraints & lesson plan urgggg. urggghhhhhhhhh urghhhh. 

So. Much.
Korean.

http://www.topikguide.com/2012/11/topik-2013.html

boring.

But when I got off, I didn't mind it cuz it was over. Now, I have like 40mins till my bus back to Taean!

Things to do this week:

-Figure out Universities to apply to
-Figure out my online classes
-Space out lesson plan topics for each grade 
-Finish off TaLK to me in Korean >_<
-mop the house!
-do laundry
-pay bills
-make weekly meals.
-start working out again

-oh damn, cute Korean young lady stopped right in front of me. hot damn-------

anyway (prettay!)

I'm sad that I couldn't see Connie b4 I left. I just went straight to packing after hanging out with peoples lol. 

OMGGGGGGGGGGGGG I GAINED BODY FATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT. 

Also, I'm ready to fall over! I look like an ahjussi! Haven't shaved and bags under my eyes.