April 13, 2013

  • ugh

    barely been studying for that freaking test i signed up for. but it's forcing me to move forward with Korean.

    OMFGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
    WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF. HOLD MYSELF TO HIGH STANDARDS THAT I CAN'T FULFILL.
    Oh well, guess it makes me move up, no matter what.. rather than staying on the same level. 

    I mean, I'm not like, intellectually smart so.. how do i survive? :/

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    gotta keep going up the steps. i'll look back down when i make it far enough.
    life isn't always comfortable. how am I supposed to grow and learn?
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    omg i can't take long periods with these kids! I actually miss my 40 minute lessons. (cuz i have double periods on the weekends). you appreciate things the higher you go up. things that used to annoy you and that were frustrating becomes easy.

    i'm at the like 3/4s up. can't look down yet.

    FAWKKKKKKKKKKKKKK THISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
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    and the kids! it's true, like, you really feel like a baby sitter a lot of the time! jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez.
    so not looking forward to teaching young kids after this, for a loooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnng tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeee. 
    i probably won't mind tutoring older kids but seriously. and i know i'm gonna miss them but i mean, i realize i'm not a good esl teacher to these kids (since i barely speak korean).. and that though i raised my tolerance levels, i know why kids get yelled at now =P.

    i don't hold their behavior against them like.. i don't take it personally but my stress levels with them.. UGH.

    ---------------
    i haven't been working out really. i think that's what i need to do more. if I don't, i'm just gonna get all evil and annoyed.
    on a side note, we made mac nd cheese this weekend. good thing they enjoyed it. i mean, i can't force english down their throats. 
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    i worry about them. like they're my siblings. i feel like i got too close cuz lol.. they treat me like a friend and mess around too much. i feel unprofessional a lot of the time. i'm so not ready to be a real teacher.
    but it's a good experience cuz like, two years at a job? i remember it was soooooooooooo hard the first six months. and the same with the last six months LOL. 

    i mean, kids are kids but dang. it takes way more energy to entertain / teach & prepare. just caring isn't good enough. just showing up isn't good enough.

    guess that's life.
    .
    ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
    the good kids go bad and the bad kids go good. and then it cycles back and forth. omfg. lol.
    just gotta get past my test and focus on the kids more and sign up for summer / fall classes online and finish my FREAKIN DEGREE SO I CAN BE FREEEEEE! I'm tired of holding myself mentally captive. 
    just.. that test. :'(
    if everything fails, i can just run away back to the states, to philippines, just gotta finish that degree and i can just figure shit out from then. one step at at a time. i can always teach again in a different country w/ different kids nd older kids. 
    at least I have a back-up "career" / job lined up w/ the experience i got and the people I've met. I won't go hungry or bored. LoL. if I get desperate, I can go to saudi arabia and make over $3,000 / month w/ free housing & transportation, after i get teaching accreditaton & experience from the states .. should I ever need to. as long as i have internet, i can stay sane.
    beats working at mcdonalds. gonna rake in that money! gonna live the life I want. gonna be eligible to retire at age 40 / have a stockpile of cash & investments by then. gotta push for the future. i wanna invest in my communities (states, Korea) and my family.

    I worry about Jan Jan. I worry about my brother and his future. I want to travel and hang out w/ my mom. i wanna invest in any businesses my friends wanna open. i wanna have money for when my friends need it. I want to have money stockpiled for when I'm ready to adopt or whatever. 

    I was wondering how orphanages work, maybe i can sponsor one and stuff when i get bank. dunno lol. just wanna make a difference somewhere.
    push guys! we're so much further than where we were 10 years ago! i'm still trying to get past "high school". ugh. maybe that degree and this TaLK experience will finally allow me to move on and become a better adult.