life's getting better. but is more challenging. just gotta look forward and stick to the plans.

one thing I learned in life is that a bad memory will be a bad memory. it can be forgotten. even though we struggle, even though we go through moments of our life alone, it will pass.

i remember failing chem honors. i remember failing chem cp. fuck high school, life sucked. i remember even thinking about suicide (though short). I remember going crazy. running away to geron's. i remember visiting some senior teachers and my mom guiding me to graduate despite my defection. all the shit i put myself through. all the shit i put her through. all the shit she put me through.

it's only gotten better since then. it's just a bad memory.
.......

reading politics. one concern of mine is... what happens if the world has no currency? can we continue to barter? will we go back into the dark ages only ten times worse? the only reason we're still here i cuz of technology. technology keeps people alive. it lets the government 'print' digital money so mask us from the real hyperinflation that has been happening for decades. it lets us escape.

questions.
what keeps an economy going? what private sector jobs are being kept?

my concern is the government's tentacles. is it okay that they have so much in citizen's lives? is it unavoidable? i continue to exist cuz of the student loans i get, and even i was employed by the federal government (of south korea though).

my mom is a recipient of the government's funds, indirectly via the healthcare system cuz of all the patients that are in her work.

many of my friends will be in the same situation. indirect funding via the fed through medical care for their careers.
other friends are in the military.

otherwise, those in the arts are left to fend for themselves. but, what about business?

i guess some families have businesses. but it seems like they're mostly in the escape business.

entertainment, food, partying.

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i guess that the government and society can't be separated if order is to be maintained. china always had hella students studying to be an offical at the emporer's palace. people always blame the government (whether it be monarchy, democracy, dictatorship, republic, mixed).
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i learned that money is debt. that we haven't paid back debt from world war I. wtf is this weird world we live in?

came home from school, ate, and finished my drama. from episode 5 to 16. FAWK. it's almost 3am. i held my pee for like 4 hrs cuz i didn't wanna leave the screen and like the episode-ending cliffhangers were toooooooooooo good.

and, this is an older drama that my friend introduced called Money's Warfare (from like '07). I really needa stop watching dramas lol. But this one was about money, distracting from the typical love-triangle. But I kinda wanna finish Master's Sun (Sam's drama) just cuz of the ghosts. And also cuz money was involved too. Interesting. But I swear each episode... does everyone die in a car accident?! wtf. lol.

makes me sorta wanna move my butt.

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i'm isolating myself from classmates. i feel bad. most of my classmates (in my level) work right after school till 10pm or midnight. And, I mean, like, 80-90% of them. Older Korean friends are looking for jobs and trying to get into the career mode of their lives.

I feel lost sometimes, guys. Maybe cuz I'm not earning money? Maybe cuz I have my degree by the neck? Cuz I don't know what to do next? Cuz things are still never the way I imagined them to be yet I get surprised. I guess it's kind of a low for me, but the highest low ever. My lowest low will always be middle school.

I look up and I see my dreams coming closer and closer. I'm just afraid that I won't be ready. That I'll disappoint myself. That it won't be enough. That I would be enough. After all these years, I haven't gathered enough confidence and am getting more cautious instead of just ramming ahead like I always imagined doing.

Oh well, just 2 months ago I had troubles getting into the school. The beginning was great. New start, new place, new 'friends'. Guess the honeymoon stage is over and it's time to plan so that I can enjoy the ride while the engine is still running .

자신이 없어. 찾아야 되.