that whole kpop star thing. maybe it would be more awesomer to find a career for a few years to save up money for me in the future rather than to jump into the kpop scene. but i dunno. what's unmotivating me is the lack of sleep that idols face and I like sleep. I don't think I'm that driven for that so, I think it's best to stick to finishing school and becoming proficient at speaking Korean.

The last week has been eye-opening ish. Like, seeing friends from my high school grade moving away for jobs and moving on in life. I still feel like I won't be able to move on until I finish school and figuring out my identity and experiencing more things. I want to get into a routine but my routine for the past decade has been just trying to get by and "escape" (via dramas, videos, internet distractions, and stuff) rather than get somewhere. I'm glad to know that if I'm super motivated, I can push into any direction I want. But with the past job experiences, I feel unsatisfied with my work ethic and my goal setting-ness.

I got to hang out with my friends a lot. I got to try my chlorella pills and calm down my food cravings. I hope to push forward into a healthier diet. I feel the muscle building with the pills & better nutrition! It's so awesome!

Ugh I want to attract people but I don't look "OH DANG" hot!! I'm also not confident at the club! That means It's time to work! lol.. like.. work out and eat healthier and get more sleep, I've been using Aveeno for my eczema and it's getting kewww. 

uhoh, i need to do p90x tom morning. good thing anielle is kicking us out.

interesting convos about abortion & euthanasia and adoption. i like these adult conversations

perceptions & treating people differently:
So like, we're human and all. I mean, of course we treat friends and family like friends and family..but outside of that.

Just been thinking like..

Like, you are in a group of people and u talk to someone attractive first or that has an outstanding personality. Like, attractive people (personality or looks or whatever), we just give more attention to. I wish I didn't do that. Or at least, I wish I could tone that down. Cuz people that are unattractive could have a great personality and life goals and could be a kewl friend.

_--------__________

my situation:
I can't get outta bed! It's soooo cold! I woke up at 7 (am) and it felt like midnight cuz there was no sun.
I'm so unmotivated. Whenever I think about getting something, the words "cold" or "too cold" flash and I'm stuck lounging around.

I've been thinking lately about my options. I really wanna get into career mode and make money and get outta this lifestyle. But I still have that dream of performing or doing something creative for a living. I just haven't jumped through the mental hurdles yet. I'm not afraid of living in another country for a while to chase dreams while I'm young and able but I wanna support my family later and save money for future "retirement" & business ventures. I haven't even finished my degree -_-;; maybe it's best if I imagine myself graduated. What would I do? School is a big thing that has always been on my mind. Life without school or graduating. How liberating.

I still wanna audition for a Korean entertainment company. Just for the experience (even if I'm too old). I wanna train and see what day to day life would be like for those idols. Just the whole idea of being put with bandmates/other trainees to bond with, and having your basic needs met while training to be paid to perform is sounds awesome lol. I'd totally put competition in the other trainees' faces if I show up cuz I'm short, a foreigner, and can speak English & Korean. (Hopefully Korean, by that time). LOL. And I'd feel the heat cuz I'm older competing with young people. sucks for them hahaha.

I have flashbacks of performing and it's a thrill. Like, you might forget your words or the choreo but you keep going. Problem is, I've always been in a group and never did any solo performances. Auditioning on your own? Oh well. I miss the flow you have on stage and the feeling of singing your heart out. My whole body just feels iono how to describe it... like, in tune in the universe. LOL. Then again, I can always just join a band, bond with them and stuff. But I want a Korean experience. hmmmmm.. and it would be neat for someone to manage my life schedule in the future...haha.

Maybe I can train for an audition but still apply for a univeristy here to learn Korean. I don't wanna be in TaLK anymore. Be supportive of me please <3 haha

i'll probably miss this lifestyle. but not right now.

MY BODY.

I feel like I HELLA DRANK yesterday. We had like 2 pitchers of 3000cc beer. So, if I actually drank my beer, it woulda been like err... 6000/4 like 1500ml of beer per person. And we had like 3 or 4 soju bottles. so 1500ml of beer + a bottle of soju each. mine was probably 1000ml.

OOHHHH
scratch that. That was the second bar. the first one, we had like 5 or 6 shots of kiwi soju cocktail. -__-;;

I mean, i feel like I was hella light weight yesterday. like. My head was literally on the table to rest and I actually puked in the bathroom.

I never puke. lol. Must've been the cold alcohol & cold weather. I can't deal with the cold.

I woke up today and made ramyeon w/ cut up veggies & 2 만두 (mandoo... dumplings). I think my freezer is being weird, the mandoo didn't really feel frozen lol.

--------------

Basically. The whole rural foreign-teacher drinking lifestyle is getting old. I'ma miss the quiet, but i want PEOPLE. I want a social life that isn't surrounded by a bunch of drinking. Man, the other foreigners can hella hold their liquor. AND, my school drinks. The other teacher's schools don't drink as much. OMGGGGG. I don't ever wanna drink this much ever again. *sigh 6 more months*

Oh well, it was a fun experience in my youth. I'll be greatful that I got to have a taste of the "college" drinking lifestyle. I hella just came home and fell asleep on the bed with the light on (again). How the hell did i get in the taxi. lol, the girls were hella talking w/ the driver. omg, drunkieesss.

--------------

So, my mentor teacher is gonna ask the principal if I can go home for a month. (from the 21st to the 15th). I wanted to go earlier but I promised to hangout on the 19th for a going away party for someone and I wanna keep my promise xP.

something crazy's gonna happen this year. dunno if it's good or bad. it's almost the same feeling i had when anticipating if i'd get into TaLK or not.

it's been my first year ever living alone, away from Antioch & living abroad.. all at the same time.

I haven't reflected on 2012 yet. but, i did a lot of kewl weird stuff. It's probably the year I drank the most.
In my life.
EVER.

----------------------------------------------

It's the year of the snake ^_^.

MY YEAR BITCHESSS

drank more than usual today ^_^.

2) I wish I was more thoughtful . This also kinda falls with the first thing. I didn't really plan or give the kids candy for Halloween or have any Christmas presents. And I don't really do anything special for the teachers. (At least I voluntarily go to any dinners or whatever, to show I exist and that I still have interest in keeping things homy with the school).

I also have cards I haven't sent home to you guys. LOL. <_<;; and it takes forever to start writing. I wish I could just trade notebooks with you guys like in middle/high school. Maybe I should. Just don't write too many personal things, if I get famous and some zombie fangirl jacks my shit or the nosy 동생 trainees or 서배s  establish kpop stars try to post it over the internet.

3) Commitment & Persistance. I haven't been training as much for that Cube Audition I want to do. It's intimidating cuz I"m OLD lol. I guess I'll feel better when I show that I'm capable; with my Korean, workouts, singing & dancing. I started doing voice warmups in the mornings. My voice is feeling much much better nowadays. I also just downloaded the fitocracy fitness app. All I gotz to do now I guess is plan out my quests for fitocracy, stick to a diet & practice stuff. T_T;; but all the younger people are soooo amazing. You see JB's (from Dream High 2) audition tape on Youtube? He's in JYP but he can dannccce. And, you hear his voice? It's the voice I wish the Gods would bestow upon me. It distinct. It leaves a good impression upon you. It sounds trained. :'(. I've always wanted to find "my sound".

_______________

Maybe I should stop drunk kakao-ing. It could get dangerous. But sometimes I get bored lol. And, a teacher said the dinner was to discuss the after school programs? But, no. LOL. I didn't see any of that. I did see the guitar and piano teachers that the school hired. Weird. I like how our school invites everyone. The piano teacher is pretty.. lol. like, da-dang. but only a 3/4 da-dang. Like, almost there, but not.

They embarrassed me by making a uh.. not toast but, mini speech after the guitar & piano teachers. Man, I was sooo tipsy. I started talking and teachers were like "speak slowly!!" hahaha.. (in English). One teacher was like "In Korean!" oh heck no lol, that's way hard. But I basically said something like.. "Anheung's teachers work hard. Let's work hard in the future. Thanks for the dinner." Or whatever. >_< How nerve-racking.

http://24-7kpop.com/2012/09/11/lee-joon-on-strong-heart-i-grew-up-poor/

Lee Joon & his ballet outfit.

but, he started poor & ended up at like Korea's most prestegious public art schools. damnnnnnn.

I feel bad for Mblaq after Bi/Rain left them for the military. -sigh- poor mblaq
-----------------

Anyway, it's xmas and I haven't gotten shit done. err, not it's the 26th; not xmas anymore.

I closed my clutterdiet.com acct, because it was eating money, but I realized that though simple, it helped me out cuz there was a community to like, get organized with and monitor me. . -SIGH-.

I also signed up for fitocracy.com (MEANING, I CAN DUAL PEOPLE!) and manage workouts. It's only $27/year with the new year's special! &, that means I get to try the android beta, exclusive for members!

I also found a website SingingSuccess.com or.. .tv? I wanna check it out but the discs are expensive! But.. I've been doing voice warmups via youtube so, I think it's a nice start. I just need a community.

& ...

I need to resurrect that old lang8.com website, cuz my Korean is better, and I need help making sentences & stuff.

If only I found some kind of support for dancing, and I'll be on track to becoming a popstar!! HAHAH.

______________________________________________________

My friend is brilliant again! Though she said that YG Family auditions were in January and that I looked online and found them to be open to like ages 11 to 19...

... She reminded me of Cube entertainment! LOL. Though there's no real reference, some random post online said they might except trainees up to age 26. D: ~

...PSH. If I kick my self-training into high gear, and they look past my height, I can totally get in! hahaha.

---------------------------

Oh life.
It's good to have dreams.

you have stayed with me for so long,
a strong emotion trapped in an unwritten song.

i thought it was nothing when we first met,
through a melody on a tape cassette.

i didn't realize you were embraced by my family,
making your way over to eventually entice me.

with a breath i let out a tune,
just as those before in that room.

it felt unnatural but i continued on,
till i eventually thought you were gone.

i searched and prepared for you to come back,
once again we were back on track.

caught in a life of uncertainty i let you go again,
with memories that continue to deepen.

i feel like i can't ever keep us apart,
you were with me from the start.

it's almost time for us to run towards our fire,
to share what we have locked away in an unanswered desire.

i'm not ready to let you go..
the voice of my dreams.


-----------------

hmmm it looks funky. oh well. i got hit again with that "popstar" feeling. being a popstar isn't the point. it's the drive and the passion of creating a creative are to express the ideas, the feelings, and situations that we all experience. i want to learn how to craft all of that into a work of art.

but i'm selfish and i don't wanna be a song writer for a teeny bopper. unless of course, i got paid and i just hid my side projects/saved good songs for myself LOL.

i'm holding back on sending in an application for that internship. i don't even have the korean level to do something like that.

but i do wanna learn how to write lyrics, produce music....actually PLAY instruments... sing in a high & low voice... learn some history... and play that one Korean instrument & learn Korean. and not get into debt. and make lots and lots of friends & connections and be part of the artistic community.

i've felt out of the loop for so loooong.

will i risk transferring to a korean music school? CAN I EVEN GET IN? IS IT TOO LATE TO TRANSFER? AM I GOOD ENOUGH? AM I WASTING TIME AGAIN?


-------
I have soooo many backups. (Of course, if I finish my degree)
I can..

Be an ESL Teacher abroad.
Go get a CNA certificate and have my mom find me a job.
Do that internship & work my way to become a business consultant.
Go back and get a masters degree to be a Data Analyst.

DO anything ELSE but perform.

-------------------------

My mom doesn't care where I finish my degree. (When I called her, she said my cousins are finishing before her lol). I told her I don't want debt--and Korea offers scholarships. Whether or not the school is accredited internationally, I would have already establish myself in Korea. I can always market myself as a bi-lingual English teacher. I can always go to another country. I can even just save money and open a business back home.

So many possibilities but what will I actually work for? What will light a fire under my ass? It's been so long but I still feel like I haven't changed as much in terms of work ethic. meh.

Hang got a 4.0! What did I do with my education and professional life? Goddam. =P.

__________________________________
Just some thoughts on fam..

But my mom. I know she would want the best for me. She would want me to be happy. She just wants that degree out of the way.

But my mom also didn't choose the typical life. Tough associated with the medical field, she isn't employed as a medical professional like THE REST OF HER SIBLINGS. She's an activity director. She also teaches activities to adult ed. She also helped so many people and met so many people and is artistic in her own way.

My dad. That monkey. Despite whatever job he has, he always sings karaoke. He sorta follows the news & is into the latest technological gadget.

They're both stubborn monkeys that love good food.

But my brother.. I haven't bonded much yet. I feel like we're like the Rat & the Snake in Fruits Basket. It's really ironic cuz those are our signs and our age gap is yeah..7 years. (How old is he again? I always forget my age too.. especially cuz I always say my Korean age). I mean, we talk. about girls and stuff but lol. And we like martial arts and sorta similar music tastes and stuff.

Whatever random stuff. yum, i want curry. *thinks of curry*.
-----------------------------------

Anyway, my friend here said the YG Auditions are in January. I WAS SO STOKED! Just so I can have an audition experience! BUT. I found out via the Facebook page it's only ages 11-19! MOTHER.

THEN, I dug deeper into the whole celebrity life & scandals / cover-ups (for fun, I was looking at rumors LOL) and it semi-turned me off. Honestly if I was some idol of today, I don't wanna have screaming fangirls wanting to touch me when they're only like 12. EWWWH. Stealing money from girls for skin, a voice and a fantasy. But oh well. It's fun to be a fangirl, I assume. lol. They want to celebrate the image portrayed not the person.

I like YG Family cuz they focus on Talent and then on looks. And, with the Daesung and the Seung-ri stuff..that's a lot to put up with by the company head. So the artists party and don't hide it. AND, freaking how they brought in Tablo and Psy! omggg.. what would I contribute being the too-old-to-idolize-short-non-fresh-face-Asian-American counterpart.

Guess I'm better off on Youtube where I can try to become an artist .

----------------------

Anyway, I'm thinking of punishing myself by putting myself on a "Ninja Assassin" diet and attempt that routine. Plain chicken breasts and veggies for a meal.

GROSS. But, it would save my ass during the winter cuz I won't be getting a month's paycheck till later after everyone comes back from vacation. (My January paycheck).

i haven't been working out and my imagination and ideas and memories and hopes run-amuk (sp? wtf?)

like me wanting to do a music video that has something to do about some god or legend that makes them stronger no matter what happens and to explore what might happen when starting their 2 years.

it has to do w/ the korean men going to the military & relationships, loyalty, friendship, learning, life, getting stronger, making decisions..

cuz it's hard here. the guys either break up w/ gfs before the relationship or stay with them. some might cheat, some might not. also, for those two years lost, i wanna talk about what they probably learned or write about what they can do to easy back into life cuz they don't have much contact with the world with those years & also the whole missing-2-years-of-my-life-probably-didn't-learn-how-to-be-a-good-boyfriend or whatever cuz of sausage fest, stress, military. =P ... it's not even their choice to go or not to go. they are bound by birth. they can choose when to go or when not to go. and even if they opt for the non-soldier thing where they just dress up in uniform and help out here and there, that's like almost 3 years of their life (it's longer)!! o_O;;

just fun thoughts to explore. i wouldn't know what it's really like. just wanna create what's in my head what I think should happen

UGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I stared that school 2013 drama.. good thing only up to ep4 is out.

and I finished The 1000th man last weekend w/ Josh. 

But he's making me finish My girlfriend is a Gumiho. Which I do wanna finish. uggh. I'm only on like ep 3 or 4.

AND , that other drama that Lee Sung GI was in sounds interesting; the king 2 hearts.